Friday, September 12, 2008

Random Just-Woke-Up Thoughts

How much of our children's problems do we create ourselves, how much do we just imagine to be wrong? How many tantrums do we cause, in an effort to avoid those same tantrums?

For the longest time, I thought Jaymes' Autism was all in my head. I tend to overreact to things, and I've found that most of the doctors assume this as well. I often thought to myself (ok, I still do, sometimes) "maybe he's fine, and I'm causing us all this agony by pursuing something that does not even exist."

Then after awhile, it became undeniable, obviously he was Autistic. Even on a good, happy, non scremy day, he's such an odd kid. He's the poster child for Autism- hand flapping, spinning, rocking, weird eye stimming. But still, you sometimes feel like maybe it is you, and none of this would exist if you'd simply kept your mouth shut and not pushed the doctors for this diagnosis.

It's funny, I've always preached the same thing: If your child is diagnosed Autistic, don't obsess over why. Don't let yourself pretend it doesn't exist. Don't beat yourself up. just get help. And yet here I am, still obsessing. Still wondering if maybe he could have been normal, had I not pushed the docs and evaluations. Still beating myself up over this.

To some extent, the mental beatings I'm giving myself are deserved. Jaymes PT and OT have mentioned that my iffy relationship with Jason could have something to do with Jaymes' issues.. And you know, it could. We've gotten a lot better this last couple weeks with only the occasional "I hate you" episode... But it hasn't been like that for too long. We've had a few loud angry fights in front of the kids. Sierra cries and needs to be snuggled, but it's never seemed to affect Jaymes. He just goes on his merry way doing all the things he normally does...

We really do try not to fight in front of them. I don't want them to remember their younger days as a time when yelling was all that was heard in the house. I really want to drop my bitterness, and just try and be in love with the guy I must have once really felt something for. I know he feels the same way... We just drive each other crazy- and not in the good way!

Anyway. Point being, we rarely fight in front of the kids, and have not for the last month or so. I had a talk with Jason about how if we were going to do the nasty fight thing, we needed to wait until bedtime or naptime, and then do it quietly. Or outside. We're trying... Really.

I think I'd be a nicer person if I wasn't so tired and didn't get the headaches from hell. If Jaymes could just STOP for one day a week.... It would be wonderful. Ok, ok, maybe I'm simply a bitch by nature. But I'm a much nicer one when I'm not cranky and sick and sore.

I love my Jaymes. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, my best little buddy... We do everything together, and I miss him horribly when he is at school. He's the light of my life, even during the bad times. I just wish we could have more good times. Buddy is lame right now, so no riding... That's been our special time. We can get out and away from home, stress, money problems, anger... We can just sit there on the horse silently and snuggle... When we trot or canter Jaymes giggles and holds on to me tightly... He chatters away about the house, the tree, the bird, the kitty... You'd think he were "normal".

I wish I could just get rid of things in our lives that make them suck. Like the 2 weeks overdue garbage bill, the 2 month overdue (and cut off) Dish network, the $200 water bill I have no idea how to pay... I think if the money crud were gone, Jason and I would be nicer to each other and the kids could do more special things.

I wish I could let go of the negativity... I wish i were still the saintly patient person people seem to think I am, never getting frustrated with Jaymes' screaming or getting upset. I know it's not his fault, but sometimes it still makes me nuts.

Anyway, I guess the most important thing i can say is this- I love my Jaymes. I love him more than anyone in the world, and he knows it.


Erin said...

If wishes were horses...
Reading this post was like a reading a transcript of what goes on in my head on too regular a basis (inserting different proper nouns and situations of course).
The "if only this could be different" sentiment has haunted me for many years. And then I think, well, I'm the only one who can make it different - which leads to just feeling guilty on top of everything, when it doesn't change (or hasn't changed yet).
Anyway, this site is sorta hokey but the core idea has actually really "stuck" and I've found it to be quite helpful:

GreenJello said...

I *highly* recommend Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It will change your marriage and your life. Really.