Some soul searching

Sometimes little comments people make really get me thinking. Yesterday one of Jaymes' therapists and I were talking about him, and she asked if I thought Jaymes was manipulating us at home. Well of course he is. It's funny, online I make it sound like I'm so together, like I know exactly what I am doing all the time when in reality, I'm winging it most of the time.

The more I think about it, the more I find a sense of discomfort in that. By making it out to be all good and all ok, by offering tips on my website to other parents, am I being entirely phony? I didn't think so. The thing with us is this: I can understand and learn techniques for dealing with Jaymes. I can explain how to do it, and I can show people. But I cannot seem to apply those techniques to my own child. How pitiful is that?

On the other hand, is it being phony to share tips and ideas? So it's not working well for Jaymes... Does that mean it won't work for someone else? Does the fact that I cannot apply a technique mean that someone else with more talent cannot get something out of what I write?

I don't know. Online, when I'm talking about Jaymes related things, it seems to much more logical, organized, absolute. Not like real life, which is chaotic and crazy. I can sit quietly and type out a post on how to get your child to eat (which will be coming eventually, BTW) but then I sit down with Jaymes to try out what I have learned and he screams, jumps out of the chair, chews the food and spits it at me, and I totally lose track of what I was doing and cannot make it stick like Jaymes therapists can.

I guess that is what separates the mommies from the therapists. Or maybe I'm just inept. I'm really tired and overwhelmed most of the time. There are so many things I want to do and need to do and yet I have to keep the house perfect and I can't get anything at all done. How can I sit down with each kid individually to read stories or work on therapy type stuff, when the other kid will be making a mess or climbing the walls to get to the candy that is locked up in the cupboard.

Jaymes' newest obsession is taking stuff out of the cupboards. Until last week, the cabinets had eye and hook locks with the little spring snap that Jaymes could NOT undo. I say until last week because well, the locks are still there... But Jaymes pops them open with no effort. Tried spraying them with Pam to make it slippery and harder to grip, but all that did was make it hard for ME to grip them.

And so he pops the locks and digs out things. Weird things. You'll get the typical stuff, like chips and candy... Then he'll bounce on by carrying a huge bag full of ketchup packets and assorted other condiments. Or a bag of ice cream, cleverly wrapped in many many Walmart bags so as to appear to be just a bag of bags.

It makes me crazy. I spend SO much time trying to keep things clean and perfect because otherwise Jason gets home and has a fit at me, and it is SO frustrating to have Jaymes trying to trash everything. Then, while I'm cleaning up Jaymes' messes, Sierra will sneak into the bedroom and knock over Jasons giant pile of DVDs. No matter how carefully I put them back, Jason always knows and I get in trouble. I can't win!

I hate cleaning. I'd just as soon have clutter, as long as it was clean clutter. I dunno, toys on the floor doesn't really bother me. Jason doesn't think they should ever be a thing out of place, and that is just not a realistic expectation in a house with two children under age 5.

I'm not sure who will win, but there does seem to be a contest to see who can kill mommy first.