Saturday, August 23, 2008


Went to the neurologist yesterday. It was an 8:45 appointment, those cruel bastards. I will say I really, really, really enjoyed the drive to Winston. I got to be totally alone, no kids, no husband. Just me, my horrible voice, and the radio! It was quite relaxing.

Neurologist did all the same stuff they did to Jaymes for his eval awhile back. I ended up kind of sick to my stomach from all the "follow my pen with your eyes" stuff. The conclusion they came to (excuse me while I don my Faux Surprised Face) was that the dizziness is something to do with my inner ear, and the memory loss/insomnia/exhaustion/mood changes are all depression linked. Gotta wonder what they charged me to tell me that, oh for insurance. I've shoved the ER bill under the couch for the time being, as looking at it makes me want to go jump off a bridge.

Anyway. They're going to be referring me for counseling and meds (BLECH), and giving me more Meclizine to control the dizzy spells. I am pleased that they understood that because I have no insurance, they could not do a billion and one diagnostic tests. The doctor was hugely pregnant, which amused me slightly. Sometimes I think, "oh, I'd love one more baby (BOYBOYBOY, girls are trouble.)" and other times it's like.. Please, take my reproductive organs away so I don't have to deal with anymore insanity.

I was bummed out to go home, think I drove like 35 all the way down I40, which pissed off everyone driving near me. Got back home and Jason had decided it was time for us to get our NC drivers lisences, as we have had our FL ones for the entire almost year we've lived here and I do believe that may be illegal.

We both went in, turns out we forgot my Social Security card so I plopped the kids back in the car, went and got it... Jason was halfway done with his test, and I started the process for myself.

The first thing they have you do is sit in a cubicle, give some info, and then take the vision test. Unlike FL, the vision test includes a portion where you must identify various signs without the text on them. Meaning, a round yellow circle, pennant, etc. I missed the Railroad one, they're not friggin yellow back in FL!

Every few seconds I had to pull my face out of the eye test thingy, to check on Jaymes and Sierra, who were busily engaged in tearing the diaper bag apart and tossing the contents to each of the four winds. I did eventually finish, and passed despite missing the stupid yellow circle sign.

Next stop was supposed to be the computer to do the written test, but Jason started frantically whispering from ACROSS THE ROOM, and I had to clean up the mess of the diaper bag, and drag the whimpering jaymes over to him. He continued to whisper, oblivious to the fact that i could NOT hear him, and it was really irritating me. Finally, I get it out of him that we are $6 short of the $64 we need to pay for our licences. I blew up at him, grabbed the kids, and went to the car. Apparently, Jason forgot how to use the ATM that was 5 mins away, so i had to get out another $20 and drive back. Thankfully they let me continue my test, although I was seeing red and it's a miracle I didn't fail.

The test was super easy. I have never so much as opened the NC Drivers Handbook, and I got them all right. It's really more logic than anything else. Logic and distances. Jason studied for 2 hours last night, and got 3 wrong. Truly a blow to his ego, because remember, Jason has the 4 year degree in psych and I am a lowly high school graduate. HA.

I got to choose a background for my license, which I tohught was quite cool. In FL you get what you get. I chose the lighthouse. Jason didn't understand the choice and got the outline of the state map thing. Mine's prettier.

After that, we went to Burger King, ate lunch, and drove to Greensboro. Jason's new job required a TB test, so while he did that with Jaymes, I took Sierra to the Children's Museum. He and Jaymes joined us later, and Jaymes actually did pretty well. He would not budge from the train tables, but if I sat with him there and no other kids tried to touch the trains, all was well. He's so cute, when you hand him a Thomas train car, his face lights up like I've just told him he's won the lottery.

There was a frantic struggling screaming fit upon our departure, but that was to be expected. The staff there is used to Jaymes' screams on the way out, so only a few people gave me funny looks.

Later that day Jason and i had the mother of all fights, which ended with Jaymes and I literally galloping off on the horse. Seriously how many of you can claim to have ended a fight by storming off on horseback? Yeah, my new claim to fame. We had a really nice ride, up the road and back and forth until Buddy was tired and needed to go in. At that point Jason and I did the obligatory fake apologies to keep the peace, went to Target, and drank Starbucks. I couldn't help but wish my Starbucks had some sort of alcoholic beverage added. I don't drink, by the way, but sometimes I'm tempted!

Again I couldn't sleep, so I'm very foggy headed this morning, and have a headache. I took 4 sleeping pills last night too. Watched the entire new season of House, and loved it. The finale was awesome.

Wish I could sleep. It's been a week or so and I'm feeling it. I feel like I'm hopped up on caffiene, twitchy, sick, sore, and bitchy as anything. Neurologist wouldn't prescribe me anything, suggested Tylenol PM. HMM, if OTC sleep aids don't work, why the hell would Tylenol PM?

Anyway, my apologies to you readers for my negativity, I'll try and bring back the positivie, amusing, fun to read stuff soon. I'm just not at the point right now. I have so much stuff to deal with right now, so much to get together. I've pretty muc ignored the bills for the last month, so there's a bile old pile of stuff. TV is getting turned off this week, garbage won't be picked up next week, and the water bill is up to $200 with the new deposit, thanks to it not being paid last month. I know I need to be better organized, I've always done the bills and done them relatively well, but lately I just have no desire or enegy to do anything. I just want to sit on the internet and talk to my friends over at FHoTD's forum. The Squishypuff persona is a lot better than the real Amber at the moment.

I feel for Jaymes and Sierra. Jaymes is probably as bad as he is because of us, because we're always fighting and yelling at each other, and because all I want is to get away from them all. I'm sick of being the strong mother, who gets things done and advocates for Jaymes. When do I get a break? Nobody cares about me, because it's my job to do this for Jaymes. And honestly, I don't mind it, I can immerse myself in this whole Autism world, and forget everything else.

I don't know what to think about Jaymes. He's horrible in public, he's pretty good at home if you let him do what he wants and leave him alone. He told me "I want cheese" last night. Maybe I'm overdramatizing how bad he is lately? Maybe he's the same as he's always been, but in my misery, I'm seeing it worse than usual?

Ican't think straight anymore. I don't know what to say to anyone, and i wish I could just go someplace and be alone for awhile.

I have to go at 11 to do this Pet Partners (therapy dog program) training thing, which i don't want to do. I don't want to deal with people when I feel like this, or to feign self confidence and make myself speak up and play teacher.

On a kind of cool note, check out these stats from my page counter, it;s number of hits by country:

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Laura in L.A. said...

Honey, you're a very young wife and mom, and that's hard enough under ideal conditions. You're facing many more challenges than most. I'm glad that you met with the neurologist, and I hope that you follow up with treatment, particularly trying meds for depression. You've got to feel good before you can help anybody else.

I'm praying for you and your family.

dressage_x said...

Amber, you are doing great with what you have right now. Both of your kids have a wonderful mom and I'm sure that will continue. Jaymes is so lucky he has you to advocate for his rights when he cannot- you are his voice.

If you EVER need to talk, feel free to shoot me an email at or on my AIM screen name sarafabulousx

I'd love to chat some more about the therapy you do with Buddy and Jaymes as well. It's always great to bounce some new ideas back and forth.

Puh-leeze said...


I don't care how much you bitch on your blog. I still read it. (I am usually nicey-nice on mine, and nobody looks at all anyway, so it doesn't matter.)

Support hugs and hoping you win the lottery.