Thursday, August 28, 2008

Another Thursday...

I don't need to go into details about today's therapy sessions, beyond saying he apparently did well in OT. Dunno about the others, and frankly, I don't care anymore. I could hear Jaymes screaming like he was being skinned alive the entire time sitting out in the waiting room (Yes, I'm still banished from all his sessions, which makes me crazy, but I'll save that for another day.)

I am at a loss. Jaymes just gets worse and worse. School claims he's an angel, which prompts me to wonder what is going on in that classroom that he is behaving so well. I fail to believe that despite 3 therapists and myself getting hell from this child, that a teacher and assistant have somehow miraculously gotten through to him. I get the feeling Jaymes does a lot of wandering around alone, daycare center style, with the occasional one on one session to break the monotony.

Anyway, I guess the question now is this... Why does Jaymes act like this with me? Why is it always worst in my presence? Why did he come out of a good OT session, see me, and go off?

I'm strict with him at home. He doesn'tget away with anything. We try to be consistant, and we expect him to be a decent human being. We can tell when he's being a brat and when he's just being himself- and can't control it- and we adjust our way of dealing with him accordingly.

So what am I doing wrong? What can I do to help him? Would he be better off away from me?

Jaymes is the light of my life, the one person I don't think I could live without. He is my reason for being, and the best thing I have ever done with my life. If being with me is causing this behavior, making him so angry and miserable, and making him hurt himself... Well, I don't know what to do.

I really feel like getting in the car and leaving all this behind. I don't know what I'm doing, no one gets how bad all this is, and I want a break.

3 comments:

Jen said...

You are a good mother and you are NOT causing this.

Let me tell you something (and it took me a long time to get to a place where I could say this) I am a good mother too. The fact that my autistic son's behavior is almost always better with other people than it is with me does not mean that I'm causing his problematic behavior. I think it just means that he feels most secure with me. With me he can let down his defenses and push boundries because he knows no matter what I will love him and care for him.

I'm no expert but it sounds to me like that is exactly the dynamic that you and Jaymes have. It sounds like you're doing everything you can for your son and I promise you that because of that, there are better days ahead. I know how hard these times are (I'm getting weepy reading this and remembering having some of the same feelings you're having right now) but they WILL GET BETTER!

You're a good mom, Jaymnes is a good boy and you're both better together than you would be apart.

dressage_x said...

Awh, Squish... After viewing those videos I realize just how hard life is for you. You're a great mom. Everyone needs a break sometimes though, maybe see if your husband can take Jaymes somewhere on a weekend so you can have some time alone?


:)

cursivenight said...

-hug-

I don't have huge experience with autism, except for a good friend who has a little brother with it. It's been a while since I've seen them (she lives in Ontario, I live in Alberta) but he was pretty much mute. Except when he threw tantrums, which wasn't TOO often from what I saw, and then when he did speak.

I do not think this is your fault. Sorry, but I don't. Look at what you're giving him - a CHANCE, most of all. He has ALL of his basic needs met, he's well fed, being taken to therapy, he has a HORSE to help out with him...

And most of all, he is LOVED.

I agree with what Jen said - he can let his defenses down and get a bit more crazy because he is so much more comfortable with you.