Morning is here...

And I'm about to go get the kids up for the day. I have to say I'm dreading it. Jaymes has been horrible every day, and I find that I don't even have the desire to deal with it at all. I'm sick of yelling, sick of chasing him, sick of trying to clean up the messes he makes before Jason gets home and sees them. I like night time, when he's asleep. He's so cute, asleep.

Sierra has also been horrible. She's mimicking Jaymes' behavior like a little parrot and it makes everything a hundred times worse. She's got this quality to her voice that makes my teeth hurt when she screams. Interestingly, when Jaymes is sleeping or gone, Sierra is a happy, cute, well behaved child.

Wish us luck for a non horrible day. Jaymes is kicking the snot out of his bedroom door and screaming, so I suspect it's time to get going on our day.

Another Thursday...

I don't need to go into details about today's therapy sessions, beyond saying he apparently did well in OT. Dunno about the others, and frankly, I don't care anymore. I could hear Jaymes screaming like he was being skinned alive the entire time sitting out in the waiting room (Yes, I'm still banished from all his sessions, which makes me crazy, but I'll save that for another day.)

I am at a loss. Jaymes just gets worse and worse. School claims he's an angel, which prompts me to wonder what is going on in that classroom that he is behaving so well. I fail to believe that despite 3 therapists and myself getting hell from this child, that a teacher and assistant have somehow miraculously gotten through to him. I get the feeling Jaymes does a lot of wandering around alone, daycare center style, with the occasional one on one session to break the monotony.

Anyway, I guess the question now is this... Why does Jaymes act like this with me? Why is it always worst in my presence? Why did he come out of a good OT session, see me, and go off?

I'm strict with him at home. He doesn'tget away with anything. We try to be consistant, and we expect him to be a decent human being. We can tell when he's being a brat and when he's just being himself- and can't control it- and we adjust our way of dealing with him accordingly.

So what am I doing wrong? What can I do to help him? Would he be better off away from me?

Jaymes is the light of my life, the one person I don't think I could live without. He is my reason for being, and the best thing I have ever done with my life. If being with me is causing this behavior, making him so angry and miserable, and making him hurt himself... Well, I don't know what to do.

I really feel like getting in the car and leaving all this behind. I don't know what I'm doing, no one gets how bad all this is, and I want a break.

Finally bought an umbrella...

I've found that not having a car available to me is a downer, where rain is concerned. Woke up this morning at 6:15am, and it was raining cats and dogs and goats and gophers too. I've never seen it rain so hard here. I had a feeling that if we had an umbrella, it would be hidden in the hay shed. In the 30 seconds it took to sprint out there in the dark, I ended up soaked through (in my jammies!). There is no light out there, so I was using my cell phone as a flashlight. not overly effective.

Anyway, there was no umbrella. No idea what happened to the umbrella, but it is long gone. Called Jason, but none of the places he suggested panned out either. He suggested I just keep Jaymes home from school, since without an umbrella we could not get down the the bus stop.

And what do I say to that? Hell no. I -like- my Jaymes' free day. I've needed those desperately, and a little rain is damn sure not screwing that up. I love Jaymes, but he needs to be at school where he can learn and I can give Sierra the special attention she so craves.

I took a garbage bag, put Jaymes into it, cut arm holes, and put Jaymes in the stroller. Put a change of clothes and a note to the teacher ("Don't be surprised if Jaymes is a little damp!") in his backpack, and we headed out on our looong walk to the bus stop. Jaymes stayed good and dry, although halfway there I had to give up my snuggly sweatshirt to cover his little head.

Later, I did end up getting an umbrella, but as you'll find out, it didn't do me much good.

Went at 3:15 to get Jaymes, and it was again pouring like crazy. So into the stroller with Sierra, in her raincoat with a blankie over her, plus the umbrella shoved down over her. You could not even see her, it was cute. Sadly, it meant I got no umbrella at all.

You'll be please to hear that I did not melt.

And speaking of melting... Jaymes got home and immediately had a meltdown. It was ugly. He's got some new bruises and scrapes, and did not end up eating any dinner. It was so ugly, in fact, I decided to get it on camera for the appt with Dr. Klinepeter so he can see the "real" situation. no one ever believes me about how bad Jaymes can get, so I've resorted to recording bad moments.

It lasted about 15 mins, complete with plate throwing, screaming, choking, biting attempts, table shoving, head slamming, and body throwing.

Watch them, please. I would LOVE for someone to have to listen to it, and REALLY (really) see what it is like.







And the school thinks he's a perfect angel with NO FUCKING BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS.

Yeah, I'm still very stressed out.

Living the good life...

This is awful to say, and I really do feel like the worst mother ever for saying it.. But I'm so glad Jaymes is gone from 7am until 3:30pm. I really was at the end of what I could handle with him, I was getting close to losing it entirely.

We had a good day, Sierra and I. She woke up at 9:30 (no Jaymes yelling to wake her!) and we ate breakfast together. Then we watched some Elmo, colored, and went outside to play in the rain and mud. Buddy the horse was getting moist, and he hates to be moist, so we put him in his stall. He has not come out into the paddock since, he doesn't want to get wet apparently.

After that we took a shower, and I spent like an hour playing with her hair. She looks beyond adorable in pigtails. Sadly, she yanks them out almost immediately. I did get pictures though!!!







Sierra has been much happier without Jaymes here. She hasn't had a single tantrum or threw anything. I think she likes pretending to be an only child. I can only imagine her horror when Jaymes gets home in about an hour. My friend Heather is being realllllllly nice and picking him up off the bus for me, as it is pouring rain and I have no umbrella. If it were only me, the rain wouldn't bother me, but I don't want Sierra getting soaked.

Anyway, pretty good day. I'm looking foreward to seeing my lil buddy again though, I miss him. I need Jaymes snuggles.

Peace and quiet

Jaymes went off to school at 7am, he seemed ok with the bus. They did not put in his harness setup though, so he is "loose" in the seat. Either he'll be perfect and stare out the window, or he'll be all over the bus and I'll hear about it tonight. Not my fault, the darn harness is written into the IEP. They need to use it.

"He doesn't need that, the child restraint law does not apply to busses"
"Busses don't get in accidents, he'll be fine"

I don't care what the law says- that only means that the district is exempt from ticketing for not having kids restrained, not that when there is an accident, the law will save my child from being killed because he is not restrained and weighs 32 pounds.

Busses do get in accidents. The majority of the bus drivers in our area havve very little certification and very little education, and it shows when they make remarks like that.

Anyway, I need to go feed the horse and clean up a bit before Sierra wakes up. Least it'll be a peaceful one child kind of day.

First Day of School

Would've been a great thing for Jaymes. All the introductions, the getting to know the room and the teachers and the classmates. Yeah, would have been wonderful. However, thanks to the damned school AGAIN, Jaymes has no bus assigned to him.

When he first started at the old school in Winston, we waited 2 months or more for a bus. They finally got it set up, but the driver almost never showed up on time, wouldn't let me put Jaymes on the bus without his harness (which they didn't rig the bus with!), wouldn't let me get on with Sierra (let's just ditch her on the side of the road while I put on jaymes' harness, I'm SURE the baby knows not to go under the bus or in the road, and won't be bugged by mommy leaving her someplace.

Switched schools, for many reasons. Waited ANOTHER month for a bus. This time, the bus stop was already existing, right by my house, with other kids who were in the same friggin class. Still, a month. The bus would not let him on until he was set up in their transportation system, despire the school principal telling me to just put him on the bus, regardless of what the driver said.

End of last school year? Everyone was supposed to get bus forms. Jaymes didn't, so I asked his teachers, who told me the bus was set, nothing to worry about.

Come Open House day, and they tell me NO BUS. Great, big damn surprise. So I filled out a form and gave it to the office. That was last week. I expected a call on Friday, at the latest. no call. Called them, no answer.

First day of school. A day that I think is important. jaymes has a new teacher, new classmates (most of whom are "normal" preschoolers), and it is the day when everyone gets to know each other and feel comfortable. Jaymes got screwed out of that opportunity, because the school is LAZY.

There is also, of course, the fact that I desperately need peace and quiet, and a day without Jaymes. Should've been today, so me and Sierra could do something special.

I am so upset.

A photo says a thousand words...

But a video says a lot more. I've captured a lot of Jaymes on video. The good, the bad, the ugly. It all serves a purpose. I know that I'm always interested to watch videos of autistic children having meltdowns, because it serves as something I can compare Jaymes to. Not to say the need for comparison is healthy or particularly mature, but I can't help myself. The good stuff serves as a reminder to me, that it isn't ALL bad, life has not gone entirely to the dogs.

Jaymes talking videos- lots of babble, few words, but listen, it's really cool.

Popsicle?



Just a bite of cheese?



Jaymes and Sierra's newfound obsession: Elmo



Jaymes wants another popsicle, mommy says no:




Jaymes and his Alphabet cards, naming objects and letters:






Words and phrases used in these videos:

• Elmo
• I want
• Popsicle
• Cheese (sounds like "kayz")
• Blue house
• Snake
• Train

I think it's pretty neat.