What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Or else just pisses you off...

I've learned something from all this though... That the only people I am capable of loving are my kids. Everyone else... I'm fond of people, I'm attached to people.. But I -love- my kids. Maybe I was supposed to stay alone, and that's why god or the devil or elmo or the rabbit in the moon has decided to make my marriage so miserable. Ok, or maybe that was my own doing. Who knows.

I still feel kind of sick, that whole miscarriage thing was not pleasant... Thought it was all done with but ended up sprawled out on the couch this morning with cramps so bad they made me twitch. But that's it, haven't felt bad since, so I can't complain.

I'm having trouble dealing with that though. Jason is glad our baby died, because he didn't want another one. I know my family would just say "you didn't need another baby anyway, it's no big deal."

If the baby had lived, it would have been named Justin or Kayley (goodness, I do love my names with 'Y' in them, don't I?) and somehow I would have made it work. I always make it work. Maybe if that had happened everything would have gotten better.

or not.

Probably worse. Babies never bring people together.

Ok, I'm sorry for being morbid. I'll move on to less depressing topics.

My new website. I loves it! Lovelovelove! I've put a lot into it, but it is nowhere near what I want it to be. Eventually it'll have a listing of "autism friendly"pediatricians from all over the USA, it'll have a video library of autism related stuff (video of a meltdown, of head banging, of rocking, of other stimming..etc...), articles from both sides of the Vaccine debate, tons of links to different resources... It's going to be wonderful. I just need to upgrade my account to a better plan, so I can add as many pages as I'd like.

I am trying to make the site the ultimate resource for parents of kids with autism... It's small now, but it'll grow. Just like the blog has.

If you would like to support the project and help me get some better hosting, you can paypal donations to alesovoy@yahoo.com. I will send a reciept to reflect what donations are spent on. My ads should help with site upkeep, somewhat, assuming the continue being clicked on... the ones here, on the site itself, and on Sierra's site... I'm sure they will though ( :

I don't know if things are going to get better or worse in the near future.. I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that something really bad is going to happen, and I feel the need to remain pessimistic so that when it does, the blow won't be as brutal.

So I'll keep throwing myself into the creation of this website, this mega resource, and try and relax.

Oh, and something to note about me: If my house is spotless, I'm not happy. My house is currently sparkling, and yet all afternoon I went around the kitchen madly scrubbing at things with my Mr.Clean Magic Eraser like a rabbit on cocaine.

God help us all.