Mommy is my cryptonite

Jaymes is an angel at school. I have now witnessed this. I went with his class on a field trip (he was not asked to do anything, mind you) and was amazed. his entire demeanor changes. He is calmer, happier. The grimace that is perpetually glued to his little face at home... nonexistant. He babbled, held the little leash thinger that his teacher used to keep the kids together, and he enjoyed himself. Now, this was a field trip, and I still feel that in class he isn't being asked to work to his full potential, but to some extent I was wrong about his teachers. If you're reading this, I apologize to you both. It's not perfect, but it isn't as bad as I thought it was either.

Apparently Jaymes is an angel in therapy as well (the sessions I don't get to come in for). I haven't been kicked out of Speech yet, thankfully, so at least I have a clue what's going on in there... He did really well at the last one. When he got sick of the book being read to him, instead of screaming he just make these hilariously bored faces, closed his eyes, and stuck his fingers in his ears. I know it's not what we want him to do, but I was very impressed that he did something to show his boredom other than screaming. That is an excellent step. There was a little crying later in the session, as he wanted the train and she would not give it to him until the end, but all in all it was a very positive, pleasant experience for all involved. His speech therapist is really amazing, she's made so much progress with him. He's never clicked with a ST the way he did with Shawna. As for the other two therapy sessions... I got kicked out (Yes, it annoys me greatly, but I can't do anything about it) of both OT and PT so he goes in alone. They say he is doing well, and for the most part I'm sure he is. Sometimes I can -hear- the screaming, so I know it's not 100% but no complaints here.

I hatehatehatehatehate that I can't come in for PT and OT. It annoys me to no end. I hate not knowing what he's doing, not knowing all the little things. They're not going to think to tell me about how Jaymes played with the green goo and named a letter he didn't know before, or that he said something I didn't know he could say... I'm missing out on all the little subtle things that he does during therapy that only I can really appreciate. A 30 second speech on what they did, at the end of the session, doesn't tell me a damn thing in comparison to having actually watched it.

I'm not going to say anything though... They are the professionals, and I'm sure they have valid reasons for not wanting me there. I'm sure he does work better without me... But therin lies my big problem. I don't CARE if he works well without me in the room. That doesn't do me any good here at home, where the problems are. He needs to learn to behave and work with me in his presence, because I will always be there. If he can't do a thing but yell and scream with me in the room, our lives can only get worse from here on out. We need to focus on getting Jaymes to be able to handle me being around, but still working and not snuggling mommy.

What am I doing wrong? At home he is angry, screaming, violent. His face is forever twisted into that unhappy face. He won't do anything I ask him to... I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Just my presence in a room is enough to make him start being difficult.That applies to therapy too, to some extent. I don't let him have his way most of the time, i lay down the law. We have rules, he knows what he can and cannot do... But he doesn't care. All day long is crying and screaming and throwing himself down.

When we're out, it's worse. He used to be SO good out. Now he won't hold hands EVER (will fall on the ground to avoid holding hands), won't sit in the cart at Walmart, won't be put into a stroller, fights desperately and loudly to avoid being buckled into his car seat... If he stays like this, in 5 years he will be a danger to himself, me, and everyone around us the way he behaves in public.

So please, someone, tell me what I'm doing wrong. Do I need to be stricter? More permissive? More sensitive to his needs? Tell him what we're doing, ahead of time? What? I want Jaymes to be like he was on that field trip at school.. A happy, beautiful, smart little guy. I want him to be able to function with me around...