Well kids, it's like this...

Every now and then, my neighbor lets her kids come over and see my horses, or play with the kids in the backyard, or whatever. It's a rare thing, and I really enjoy them because they're super-nice kids and it's fun to have kids around who talk in a way that I can actually understand. Plus, the little girl loves horses and is always eager to talk horses with me. They came over a few days ago to see the baby Moal (mule foal= Moal, don't ask!) and once again the issue of explaining Jaymes came up.

How do you explain autism to a child? How do you explain it without it coming off as disparaging toward your own child? How do you do it in terms the kids will understand? How do you do it in that PC way?

They wanted to know how old he was, I forget how it came up. He's 5, I told them. Their little brother is just turned 6, and he talks like you and me. Ok, well Jaymes doesn't. Why doesn't he talk? Why does he wear diapers? Why does he not have homework from school? Why does he sit in a harness on the bus? Why does he hold their hands? Why doesn't he play games with them?

There are lots of ways to answer those things. most of them suck. As I'll illustrate here in a second.

Answer #1: Jaymes has Autism. The downside: The kids don't know what that means. Most adults don't know what that means. I know what that means, and thankfully the people I'm around most (the other parents at the therapy place) know what it means. However, as a response to a kid, it's out.

Answer #2: Jaymes is different than you. He does things his own way. The downside: I don't like pointing out Jaymes differences so pointedly. It seems offensive. Saying he does his own thing implies a lack of parenting, altohugh these are kids so they probably don't a hoot about my parenting. I can only imagine what gets told to their mom about Jaymes though, and how I relate to him. That's ok, most of the neighbors think we're all a little odd.

Answer #3: Jaymes doesn't know how to talk yet, he learns things a little slower than you guys do. The downside: This one makes Jaymes out to be stupid. A kid doesn't understand that everyone learns at different rates, nor do they understand delays. What they get out of this answer is, "Jaymes is dumb." And Jaymes is absolutely NOT dumb. He's just... Different.

Answer #4: Jaymes is in a special class, so he doesn't get home work. He works on other things, like learning to talk and draw. The downside: This is a crappy example of what Jaymes does in school, and as soon as it came out of my mouth I regretted it. But how do you explain to an 8 year old the concept of going to school to learn social skills from his peers? To learn to function in a group? To draw a circle when he should, in a perfect world, be writing his name by now?

Answer #5: This is Jaymes' backyard, so STFU.

Ok, I didn't really say that. I just ran out of answers, and this one was about as good as the rest of them. They all kind of suck.

I wish the schools would put some emphasis on teaching kids about differences, about how some kids sit in wheelchairs, some kids wear leg braces, some kids can't talk, some kids wear diapers past 5. I wish they could find a succinct way to explain autism and other disabilities to the students. I wish they would let their kids visit the special needs classrooms, rather than keeping them seperate from the rest of the kids. I wish autism awareness started in kindergarten. It would make explanations so much simpler.

I don't know how to explain Jaymes to a kid. I don't know how to talk to kids in anything but what I've dubbed "autism-speak". Short sentences. "Go get shoes" "sit in chair" "no spit" "quiet hands". We're all cavemen over here I guess. Better than Elmo, who (as Jaymes speech therapist reminds us) doesn't use a single pronoun.

Jaymes is different. Different isn't bad. He learns differently than other kids, and he has a harder time retaining what he has learned. He needs meds to help him focus, that doesn't mean he's bad. Sometimes he spits, but he isn't doing it to be mean to the other kids. Sometimes he screams and throws himself down when he is mad. He has a hard time controlling his emotions, and he doesn't always understand what is being asked. He is in a special classroom with no homework because he needs the extra help to sit in his seat and participate in class. He doesn't talk because... Well I don't know why. He talks just fine if you tell him what to say, or if it involves food. Maybe he has nothing to say. Maybe he doesn't know what to say, when. Maybe he doesn't care. I don't know. All I know is, he doesn't talk very much on his own. Again, it makes him different, not bad. Not dumb. He wears diapers because he hasn't made the connection that poop goes in the potty. He isn't a baby, he just needs to learn.

That about covers it, but I don't think a kid would understand this. Some adults don't get it. What would you say?