Monday, March 5, 2012

Breathe in, breathe out...

This is probably going to be a long one, and more about me than about Jaymes. So much happening and so many emotions in the way of getting myself ready for Jaymes to come home.

I think I've talked about my issues in the last couple blog posts, but in a nutshell... I have GAD (generalized panic disorder), major depression, and plain ole anxiety. Normally, the meds keep me going great and life is good. Unfortunately, since all the trouble with placing Jaymes in temporary foster care, the meds aren't working. We started off with Abilify, then Zyprexa, and now Fanapt. I also take Elavil and Neurontin.

When the meds stopped working, so did my sanity. I started to get these images in my head of running the car off the road, or taking all my pills and going to sleep. Now for the record, I did not and do not plan to do anything to hurt myself, it's just a thought that went through my head. It got so bad that for the last couple months I've been in a state of constant, intense anxiety coupled with those suicidal thoughts.

School this semester proved to be too much, I was advised by the financial aid office at Forsyth Tech that I had the option to drop my classes without penalty. I did have to keep one class though, to avoid having to pay back my pell grants. So, Spanish it is. Easy class.

I went back to Old Vineyard's intensive outpatient therapy program for the second time, stayed for two weeks and then insurance quit paying. I probably could have used more.

So right now we are trying very hard to figure out what is causing this crippling anxiety I've been going through. I can't function when I get like that, and I obviously need to function. I'm working with my therapist on dealing with the anxiety, which isn't a whole lot of fun... But there must be a good reason for the intensity of the session. I have to admit though, that I left the last one feeling like I'd been beaten in the head with a pool noodle for the entire hour. I have a hard time with the level of intensity going on in that therapy room.

As it stands right now, the only thing really keeping my anxiety in check enough for me to function is the fact that I've got a bottle of Klonopin. Take one at the start of feeling the anxiety and it stops before it starts. But really, underneath the meds and the therapy, I'm a mess right now.

Jaymes and his visits are going really well. We have started taking him Saturday night and keeping him until 1-2 on Sunday. He loves going to church, and he loves sleeping in his room and telling me "I like the shiny floor." He is still in diapers at night, but we're working on that. He's sleeping in underwear without incident at the foster home, he just needs to realize he can come out to go potty at night if he needs to.

Jaymes is super popular at church. Everyone knows him. He goes to the Kid Summit group, and they do singing and play games and all that good stuff. I had been worried about putting him in with kids his age and older, but he has done so well. He's got one person in particular that he loves, who watches out for him during the service. And of course all the kids know him. They say "hey Jaymes!!" and he wanders away. They don't seem to mind.

The foster parents go to the YMCA, so Jaymes gets to do a lot of things that he had not done before. They walk the track, and swim in the pool- which Jaymes just loves. I'm looking into a Y membership for us for when he comes back home. The other cool thing the foster parents do is taking him hiking. Hiking is wonderful for Jaymes, he can get his energy out and he loves to be outside.

Jaymes is really doing well. He's great for the foster home, great for us on our visits, and is eager to see me, where before he didn't want to leave Mr. Marks house. We plan to continue to add more Jaymes home time over the next few months with the plan of having him back home around a week before school starts up again for the fall.

In the meantime, I'm working on me. Getting the meds worked out and getting my anxiety and depression under control. I've really hit a low, I spend most of my time lying on the couch, just thinking about starting my day is hell. Nothing is fun anymore, not even riding. It's just one day at a time, breathe in, breathe out.


kristi said...

Hope you feel better!

Melanie said...

Breathe in, breathe out. Very good advice. Hang in there!

The horse lawyer said...

I hope things improve for you soon, Amber. Thinking of you and your family.