Is this overly ambitious?

Probably.

Every year around this time (well duh, it's New Years Eve) I start thinking about New Years resolutions. Looking back over the past few years, it would seem my various resolutions either failed completely, or only lasted a very short while. I've done all the typical stuff: Lose some weight, exercise more, be a better (house)wife, blah blah blah. I've found that I have almost no actual desire to really stick to these goals, however, which probably explains why they never seem to work out. On the plus side, at least I'm not a rare case of Resolution-itis. The vast majority of us make these ridiculous goals that we know perfectly well we won't keep.

So in keeping with tradition, I'm going to say that I do plan to try and lose at least some weight. I will try to walk more, but it probably will only happen on days that my leg and hip aren't hurting. We'll certainly be eating better, I finally bit the bullet and switched from regular "everything" (yogurt, sour cream, cookies, etc) to fat free "everything." Except for milk. Can't bring myself to drink the blueish watery ick that is skim milk. Sorry, I like my 2%. That's better than a few years ago, though, when I only drank whole milk. I still prefer whole milk, but I have been very successful in changing "down" to 2%. I also plan to be a better housekeeper (the way Jason likes, anyway, I think my way is just fine, but whatever!) and maybe work on having more of a social life.

That said, I have a lot of what I consider "real" resolutions for 2010. Except that I'm not sure they really count, because they are all things I have been doing, working on, or working toward. But hey, a resolution...er... set of resolutions... is a resolution. Right?

My resolutions are mostly Jaymes related, with a couple of Amber related ones tossed in for good measure. Here they are, neatly presented in no particular order of importance, for your viewing pleasure. Because clearly, this is information on a random internet stranger (emphasis on the strange) that is VITAL to your life. Or something like that.

• I would like to learn more about Jaymes' hearing loss, and hearing loss in general. I'm woefully uninformed in this department, having just recently found out Jaymes had any hearing loss!

• I will continue to try and get to the bottom of Jaymes' eczema, through re-evaluations with Immunology and Allergy specialist up at Baptist, and with help from Dermatology, also at Baptist. Jaymes ENT also said that if Baptist doesn't pan out, that the Dermatology department up at Duke is excellent, and they might have some more ideas for poor, itchy, scaly Jaymes.

• More IEP meetings. Maybe some progress. You never know, it could happen. Note to self: Never attend an IEP meeting when you're to sick to argue important points. Our last one was a wash, because I was so sick I barely opened my mouth, forgot some of my main points, and was too sick to continue debating various things. On the plus side, Jaymes' AU classroom teacher has really been helpful, and she has taught Jaymes so much. I feel like she's at least somewhat understanding where I'm coming from, and why I spend so much time pushing for Jaymes to get more class time with his non-disabled peers. I wish the regular ed teacher he goes with was more interested in including Jaymes, but we're all human, and we're not necessarily going to agree, I guess.

• I need, not just want, need to help Jaymes get over this spitting thing he's been doing for the last month. It's gotten worse and worse, and it seems to be a compulsive thing, he doesn't seem able to control it. He spits on his hand (or, if he can't, on his arm, a toy, my arm, whatever) then spreads the saliva around all over his face. He gets it in his eyes, and then he screams because it burns, and it's making his face one nasty, slimy, wet, rashy mess. Also, anyone sitting near him when he's doing it is liable to get splattered, and nobody likes that. Especially not strangers who are unlucky enough to have to sit within range.

• In the "Amber goals" department, I certainly hope to get all of my current medical issues sorted out, although I have been incredibly lucky to have really gotten wonderful benefit from the (non-narcotic) meds the Neurologist gave me. Apparently, the stuff doesn't usually work as well for others as it has for me, and I'm very fortunate. It's also only $4 a bottle. Hooray!

• I want to ride more. I don't have a horse right now, of course, after the untimely death of my lovely Lucy girl, but I have several friends with horses who let me come ride- so I need to do that! I think that will help with the whole weight loss thing too.

• This one is a big one, because I seem to be a drama magnet. I plan to avoid, ignore, or run away as fast as I can, from everything drama-causing. No more friend drama, no more internet forum drama, no school drama, no family drama. I'm going to stop responding to things that are just waiting to start another round of bullshit. I need some more positivity in my life.

• I'm going to be more positive, less pessimistic. This will be hard, I'm a pessimist at heart, and always have been. Mostly because it seems that we and people around us get hit with more than our fair share of what can only be described as crap. I wonder if this is because most of my friends have autistic or otherwise special needs kids. LOL. Anyway, this goal applies to Jaymes too. No more focusing on the bad behaviors and the things we can't change, or don't like. No more accepting others treating him like he's a danger to them, or a spoiled brat. I'm going to focus on all the wonderful work Jaymes has done, both at home and in therapies and I'm going to celebrate every little bit of progress we make.

• This last one is one we've been working hard on for awhile, but that we need to continue, and improve on. Jason and I are terrible money managers. That's a good part of why we keep finding ourselves in bad situations, financially. Over the last 5 years, I think the banks must have made a small fortune off our overdraft fees. We've started writing everything in a notebook that is updated every time we write a check, spend cash, or use a debit card. We've still had 2-3 overdrafts in the last 6 months, but that is a huge improvement on the previous 2-3 per WEEK. We're getting better. Wish they'd taught these things in school though, nobody ever taught either one of us to manage money and accounts right, so we're teaching ourselves. Here's to hoping for an overdraft-free 2010.

So this may be too much, and it may be too ambitious. It may all really just boil down to a couple main points. Hmm, I could have saved myself some time, and just said it like this:

• I want to live healthier
• I want to be a better advocate for Jaymes
• I want to be a better parent (because even the best have room for improvement, so I have a LOT of room for improvement, right?!)
• I want to rise above the petty, stressful BS that people in my life sling at me and that I feed right into.

Now why didn't I just say that in the first place? Oh well, it wouldn't have made for a very interesting post.

Happy new year, everybody. Here's to hoping it doesn't suck as bad as 2009 did. Here's to hoping we can all change the way we do things to make it a great year. Now, I'm off to go guzzle down some sparkling grape juice and BBQ chicken!

DIY Hearing Aids

Pictures before post, because I know that's what you all want from me!

Jaymes with his new train- see the glee? and the drool. But the GLEE!





MMMMM Candy! all this, for MEEE?



We love the truck!




The car ride to FL, Jaymes got his elbow stuck inside his beloved Blue Cup. Yes, he cuddles and loves on a blue cup. And yes, my kid got his elbow stuck in a cup. He's that cool. I know you're jealous of that skill.



We got home from Florida yesterday night, after a horrendous 12 hour drive. The drive was pretty unremarkable, aside from Jaymes deciding that my taking his hearing aids from him (he kept taking them out and dropping them) during the drive was unacceptable, and he did something about it. He grabbed a can of Play Doh and built himself a set of (sort of) identical hearing aids. Brown ones. Complete with the ear mold and behind the ear components. Thankfully he did not shove the play doh so deep that it wouldn't come out, he was very careful about it, and as soon as they were made and on, he was content. He rode the rest of the way like that, perfectly happy. Weirdo. ( :

The trip was pretty good, although I freely admit that I did NOT want to go. I hate Florida, and I would have rather spent a private, small Christmas with my family (Me, Jason, Jaymes, Sierra.). The original reasoning that we were supposed to go was that my Grandma isn't doing well, health wise, and we were going to spend some time with her. But it ended up that we only got about 45 minutes of that week with her, and the rest with my mother in law and Jason's brother.

The kids loved it. Marie (MIL) is really good with them, and she doesn't get upset about messes or any of Jaymes' odd behaviors. She actually is a teacher's aide in an AU classroom, so she knows how to deal with Jaymes better than most adults (non-professionals, anyway). Sierra and Jaymes had so much fun, they ate and ate and ate, and we got a much needed break from being parents. I don't think we had to fix a meal for either kid all week long. It was a good break. She even does diapers. Always nice.

Christmas was a lot better than I expected. Jason's family is really loving and everyone was in the Christmas spirit, no stress or anything. We all gathered around the tree at like 6am, and for awhile attempted the one at a time process of gift opening. This did not work for Jaymes, and it quickly dissolved into a paper shredding, bow flinging, tissue paper flying free for all.

I got a new phone from Jason, it's technically a "gophone" or a pay as you go deal, but you can pull the SIM card and stick the one from the old phone in and it functions the same as it would on a contract phone. The only difference is, because I'm using it on a contract, I void the warranty and it will not be replaceable. But that's no big deal, I can renew my contract in about a year and then I get a new phone. Phones don't last much longer than a year at my house. Anyway, I got an LG Neon, with the neat slide out keyboard. He also got me a pretty pink flowery cover for it. I love it! He also got me a pair of pajama pants, something he gets me every year, but which nearly killed him this year. He got 2XX size. I know I'm a little plump, but not 2XX plump. He could have stood in one leg, and me in the other, and we'd have been pretty comfortable. He survived my wrath by explaining that he'd read the hanger size tag, not the tag on the pants. Apparently the hanger said M. You'd think he'd notice, but it was really funny anyway. I returned them and got a pair in the correct size, and am enjoying the comfy warmth.

Sierra got a lot of baby dolls. She's like that foster parent who gets a billion foster kids to collect the money they get. Except hers don't make any money, and she destroys them rather quickly. These should last her awhile. She got a bunch of other stuff too, and is very happy with her toys. Some of my online friends made Christmas super-extra-special, and sent us some really wonderful toys and a couple gift cards.

Jaymes got some trains, and the LEt's Go Thomas train toy he wanted so desperately. Unfortunately, he seems to be afraid of it now, I hope he warms up to it. He also got a TON of Play Doh, and is overjoyed. His best gift ended up being from one of my NY online pals, a wooden food cutting kit. It's like bread, fruits, and veggies that are all broken into 3-4 pieces that hold together with velcro. It comes with a cutting board and a wooden knife, and it really feels like cutting a real veggie. Very cool. He is enjoying it SO much. He likes to cut everything into a bucket, take a whisk and stir it, then loudly declare "Jaymes makin' the yummies."

Jason got a bunch of DVDs from his family, and a couple small things from us. He was very happy. His family ended up giving me not one, but two snuggies, the miraculous blanket with sleeves. I regifted one, and I guess will keep the other, though I'll be teased mercilessly for wearing one at home.

All in all, for a trip I didn't want to be on, it went well. Jaymes did really well till the end, and you can't blame him for having a hard time with his schedule changed up so much on him for a whole week. I got to see my friend April, and my friend Julie. Oh and Tara too. Julie has the cutest, plumpest baby who makes velociraptor noises and grabs big handfuls of hair. I loved him, he was soooooooooo cute. Her kids look SO grown up, I don't see people often enough. I'm really glad I got to see Julie- I miss her a LOT.

I hung out with my other friend, Tara, at the mall awhile, then we went to Jason's moms, and talked. Then she opened up the back of her gorgeous truck, and the kids bounced and crawled around in the bed of the truck. They enjoyed this quite a lot. It was pretty funny.

So, it was a good Christmas. I think we only had one really terrible moment, and that's pretty darn good for a whole week. I don't want to do it next year, but it was nice. And for all my bitching about dealing with the in-laws, they're pretty wonderful people.

What a week. Please tell me I will never have another one like this. Or at least not for a little while?

This rotten week was a combination of all things stressful. On Saturday, my mare Lucy was having a lot more trouble standing up from lying down to rest, and I finally realized that the time had come to put her out of her discomfort. There was no chance of her improving, and I wanted to let her go before we got to the point of the old lady lying in freezing mud, unable to get back up. Unfortunately, my former vet refused to euthanize this mare last time her saw her, saying he would not euthanize a healthy horse. She was far from healthy, but he wanted me to send her up to Raleigh and have a spinal tap done to check for EPM, and also ultrasound her leg. We're talking about a 20 year old mare who spent most of her life being worked hard and treated terribly. Someone in her past yanked on the reins so hard that they nearly severed her tongue in several places. She was starved when she came to be, and pregnant. This mare survived so much. She had such a happy, spoiled, loving nine months with me, and she gained back all the weight. She was bright eyed and shiny, and she knew that she would never want for a meal or love ever again. My old vet suggested sending her to auction to get a few bucks out of her and to be rid of her, rather than putting her down. Lucy deserved so much better than that, and she got it. I spent all day Monday making calls, and finally found a vet who discussed the situation at length with me, and agreed that it was time to give the sweet old girl the final kindness of a painless, quick death. I took Sierra outside Tuesday morning to sit on Lucy's back once more, pet her neck, and say goodbye. Of course, she's three and didn't understand, but she had loved that old mare and I thought it would be good to say goodbye.

Later on Tuesday, my wonderful friend Dianne picked Lucy up in her trailer to haul her out to the vet's office in Lexington. When Lucy saw the trailer, she actually started jogging around the pasture with excitement. It made me start doubting my decision, until we tried to get her in the trailer, and saw that she could barely use her hind legs. She made in it with the front legs, and slammed both hind legs on the trailer before managing to scramble inside. When we got there, Lucy was covered in sweat and her entire hind end was trembling violently. She's always enjoyed trailer rides, so I knew this wasn't trailering stress. She was in a lot of pain, and I cannot imagine the effort it would have taken to remain standing and bracing herself on the ride there. We are lucky she didn't go down and hurt herself. She came off the trailer badly, having to back out. Her hind end fell off the trailer, she just didn't know where her back feet where, but she did manage not to fall.

We brought her into the vet's barn, and Dianne and I fed her bananas, apples, and carrots. She ate a few, but didn't eat them all- not like her. She had also refused her last few meals at home. Eating was this mare's one great joy in life, and her refusing a meal told me she was done. I gave her a hug and kissed her nose, and waited with her until it was done. I figured she deserved to have me with her at this final moment.

Dr. McDonald (I hope I spelled that right) of Lexington Large Animal was incredibly kind to Lucy, and very respectful of myself and the horse throughout the process. She went down hard, and took quite a while to stop breathing, but I don't think she felt any pain in the process. The vet was very discreet about any of the aspects of things that might upset me, covering up any blood with a towel and treating Lucy's body very respectfully. He removed her halter and was even willing to get his farrier tools and remove one of her shoes for me to keep.

Dianne was wonderful and cried with me. We stayed with Lucy for awhile, just talking about her and rubbing her nose. She barely looked like the same horse, all the fire had gone out of her. But I think that's the most peaceful I'd ever seen this mare. Poor Lucy had a life full of suffering before I got her, and she was always on the alert for anything that might happen. She grew to love being spoiled and loved on, but she always had some level of vigilance in case things went sour for her again.

As much as it hurt, it was the right thing to do. My beautiful girl went out the right way: Fat, sleek, and shiny. Well fed, well loved, and wearing pink. As Dianne said to me, we should all be so lucky as to die fat and happy, dressed in our favorite color, surrounded by people who love us.

Tuesday night Jaymes had therapy, and I was feeling pretty sick from the stress of the day, but we went anyway. Jaymes did pretty well, except for this new spitting habit he has going on. It's almost obsessive, it started as a way to relieve his chapped face and nose, but it irritated the area so much that it really only made it worse. Finally got the face cleared by by keeping diaper cream on it at night and vaseline during the day, but it seems the habit of spitting into his hand and wiping it across his face has become something he cannot control. He's always slimy now, and if you stop him from doing it, he bites, or scratches. On Thursday he drew blood, which wasn't a lot of fun.

Wednesday, I had an IEP meeting at Jaymes' school to discuss the hearing related stuff and to try and figure out what Jaymes regular ed kindergarten teacher (the one who has him 30 mins a day) could do to help encourage Jaymes to participate in her class. I'm concerned that it seems like everyone just tolerates his presence in that classroom, and that there is no effort to communicate with him- I think they leave it to his classroom aide to deal with him. It's defeating the purpose of sending him out of the classroom. I tried to get some real answers on what woud be changed, but nothing of it ended up in the IEP and other members of the IEP team repeatedly changed the subject. So at this point, I don't know if anything different will be done.

In addition, I was horrendously nauseous during the meeting, still feeling the stress from Tuesday I guess, so I really did not talk much, or get half of what I wanted dealt with out on the table. It was the shortest meeting, by far, and one of the least productive. Also, due to being ill, I honestly cannot remember most of what was discussed. One thing I found really concerning was the subject of recess. Last IEP meeting, we had put into the IEP that Jaymes' class would be changing their time and going to recess with Ms. McGee's regular ed Kindergarten class. But on Wednesday, I was told that they are going out with Mr. Largent's class- another AU class. That is NOT what we had discussed, and I'm not happy about it at all. I can't help wondering if it hasn't always been that way, or if they really ever did go out with the regular ed class. If I'd been feeling better, I would have jumped on that, but I wasn't and I feel kind of like I really wasted the opportunity, not sure if I can do anything about it right now. It would be ridiculous to ask for another IEP meeting just because I was too sick to function during the last one, I should have cancelled.

The good point to the meeting was that Jaymes' school OT, Ms. Nelson, made a bunch of new OT goals for his IEP that are really good goals. She is incredible, and I have 100% confidence in her. She's one of the very few at that school that have Jaymes' well being and education in mind over all other things. None of this childish BS that I get from others.

The assistive technology stuff is still going, and would you believe this has been over a year in the making? I'm really shocked at how long this has taken, and at how much everyone involved (except the speech therapist, she's pretty good and Jaymes seems to like her a lot) is dragging their feet. I have zero confidence in any of that part of things, but at least I tried.

The school audiologist will be testing him at some point, although Mrs. Evans- Everett (I forget her title, but she's one of the higher-ups in the school district) made it a point to explain that there is no minimum time frame (so I guess they can take as long as they like?) on anything. Not sure why this was an important point to make, but then she's the expert. The other slightly odd thing that happened was that she actually kind of scolded me for taking Jaymes to Speech at Comprehab, saying that it was highly frowned upon and that Comprehab was not a facility the school supported, and that the reason they do not have much respect for evaluations and other reports from out there is because they take lots of kids out of school for sessions... It was really weird. I just thanked her for her opinion, I'm not going to take Jaymes out of therapy there. He misses 2 hours of school per WEEK, just on Thursdays, and he learns more with Shawna than he had gotten from 3 years of being enrolled in Winston-Salem Forsyth County schools. So no, I'm not taking him out of therapy so he can attend those 2 hours. Nor will I apologize for that choice.

I'm about fed up with the school, and thinking I might be better off looking at other schools. I do not think homeschooling would be good for either of us, though other parents I know have considered doing this. Too bad I can't just send him off to one of their houses for homeschooling!

I really do like Jaymes EC teacher though. She seems to have come over to the dark side (we have cookies!), and has been extremely pleasant, helpful, and accommodating towards my little guy, and she has taught him a lot thus far. No complaints there. I'm thrilled that he is doing so well in the EC room, I just wish that the regular ed teacher shared her enthusiasm, and willingness to change things up a little to help Jaymes out. He needs to get out there and spend time with his nondisabled peers, or he will end up going from one self contained classroom to the next for the rest of his life. That isn't preparing him for life, it's preparing him for a lifetime of being segregated from the "normal" kids.

Anyway, after the IEP meeting, I had to go home, be sick on the couch for awhile, then head off to class in Winston. Lucky me had a math test. I was still feeling pretty nasty, but I got a 98 on my test, should have an A in that class. Should have A's in everything except history, and that professor really didn't actually teach anything, so I think it's amazing I managed to do as well as I did. I have not gotten my final paper back yet though, the agonizing 9 page one. Bleh.

Thursday was therapy again, and the spitting had gotten so bad that he couldn't really do anything. It was pretty awful to watch. I felt bad for the therapist too, who was being drooled on and used as a slime wiper. We had to wait around another hour after that for the van to come, and it was an interesting situation. Normally, we wait in the hall, but they were painting the hall that day. Also, in the main lobby, they had a bunch of people playing Xmas songs and stuff, so Jaymes' screaming was not very much appreciated there. We ended up sitting against a door in the hallway hoping that Jaymes voice would not carry down to the music thing in the lobby. Luckily it did not. However, sitting there holding Jaymes still was not good. He wanted to be up and kicking and punching the wall, or hitting me, so I held him in my lap and tried to calm him down. Unfortunately, all I accomplished was getting bitten several times and scratched bloody. We left eventually, me trying very hard not to duct tape Jaymes to the ceiling fan. (Kidding, all you social workers, reading this and contemplating calling DSS! LOL). Anyway, not a good day. Add to that the fact that I spent Mon, Tues, Wed, and Thurs randomly bursting into tears over the horse, which was horrendously embarrassing!

Friday was better. Quiet day, and it started to snow and I realized how good it was that poor miss Lucy did not have to be out there in the snow storm. This morning we had 10 inches of snow. Can't get the car out of the driveway. The kids had a lot of fun playing outside. I put walmart bags on over their socks so their feet wouldn't get wet, and bundled them up so much they could barely move.

Monday we are supposed to be leaving for FL to visit my grandma, who is very sick, and also to spend Christmas with Jason's family. I'm still feeling pretty down, I feel like something really bad is going to happen if we go, but that's probably just crazy anxiety. Just not looking forward to it I guess.

I got the kids gifts all wrapped, they will have a really great Christmas. That's what matters, and I will really enjoy watching their little faces when they open their presents. Jaymes will be drowning in new Play Doh and all kinds of cutting accessories. Sierra has a little doll house, a big sized plush My Little Pony that lights up and comes with a baby bottle, and some other really cool stuff. They will have a good Christmas, despite the troubles we've had this month. I'm very glad that it will be a good one for them.

Anyway, happy holidays to everyone, and may all your autistic children eat food and not bubblewrap or beanie babies.

Sad news

I don't think I ever posted about this before, but about a year ago, I bought a very thin, very neglected old horse. Got her hooves taken care of, got her nice and fat, got her surprise baby born, weaned, and sold... We got to go on two trail rides, Lucy enjoyed them a lot. Unfortunately, Lucy's past caught up with her, and her hind end started to break down. She can barely stand back up when she lies down to rest. Lucy was a wonderful horse, and she gave me and the kids a year of happiness loving and caring for her. She will be put to rest tomorrow, and will be very much missed.

The flu, Black Friday, hallucinating snow, and the holidays

It's been crazy as ever at the DBTD house, ever since I wrote that Thanksgiving post. It turned out to be fairly difficult to be thankful this year, because Sierra and I were both hit with the flu AND a stomach bug at the same time, Thankgiving morning. She and I spent our Thanksgiving puking and lying in piles on the couches. We pried ourselves up for dinner with my mom, but neither of us could eat. As soon as she left, we went back to bed. She and I both spent the night with fevers, I was up to 102.5 and for some bizarre reason hallucinating large amounts of snow outside.

Needless to say, we did not get to go out at 4am for Black Friday. Jason went alone, trying to get my sewing machine (my gift from my mom this year). It's a family tradition for us, going out at 4am and standing in long lines, freezing cold and sleepy. Even the kids enjoy it. We did go out again at 10am, having missed all the good stuff, and picked up a $2 pyrex casserole dish to replace the one Jason broke.

Jaymes has been doing SO well with his hearing aids. He leaves them in all the time now, even in the car. He does spend a lot of time itching his ears though, which is a pain because it knocks out the ear mold and he gets all upset and wants me to "fixit the ears!!!"

He is clearly hearing better, and his speech is getting easier to understand. On the down side, the whole echolalia thing is picking up quite a bit. In speech, he's been just repeating what the therapist says a lot of the time, rather than answering with his own response.

We're having some issues with biting, too. The other day, driving on I-40 to my friend's house, Jaymes took advantage of the fact that I couldn't do anything to stop things happening in the back seat while driving on the highway. He kept grabbing Sierra's hand, pulling it toward him, and biting her fingers. She was hysterical, because well, it HURT. I was not anywhere I could pull over, so I flailed one arm and bellowed at him, which stopped him briefly. Finally was able to get off the highway, he went to do it again and I slapped his hand and gave him the mommy death voice. He stopped immediately, with a look of horror on his face. He hasn't done it since. Poor Sierra is such a little trooper, when asked if she was ok, she replied with a slightly sad "Yes, I'm alwight."

Got the Christmas tree put up. Originally we were using the same pitiful little three footer from last year, with it's crazy sideways lean. Then my friend Kristi found a bigger, much nicer one for sale on Craigslist. It looks really, really nice! I put it up the other night, and in the morning when Jaymes walked out, he did a double take.

Jaymes is psyched for Christmas. He loves the lights, the candy canes, the snowmen. He loves the wrapping paper and bows, the shiny ornaments, and the music. Both kids adore Santa, though Jaymes is less interested in sitting on Santa's lap and more interested in robbing the fat man of his bowl of candy canes. He's lucky he's cute, any other kid would be on the Naughty list for that offense!

Here is a video of Jaymes and Sierra's responce to having the tree put up. This was before we got the new one, so feel free to giggle at our wimpy sideways tilting tree of pathetic-ness. Make sure you turn on the sound, Jaymes was talking a lot and Sierra was singing. Very cute, happy little spawnlings!