Friday, October 2, 2009

Monkeys Cause Autism... Er, wait. No they don't. Uh.. Just read the story!

Courtesy of the Facebook conversation I've been having with the wonderful, inebriated Kelley of Magneto Bold Too

For many years, there has been heavy debate on what causes autism. Some people, like myself, believe that it's all about genetics and some other random something. Others believe that it's all about the evil doctors and pharmaceutical companies who make poison that the evil doctors forcibly shoot into our innocent little spawnlets. Who knew this debate could be found in the jungle too?


Disclaimer: This post is not intended to generalize all monkeys. Some monkeys practice their beliefs respectfully of others, and do not impose their Bananariffic beliefs upon everyone in their sight. This blogger respectfully acknowledges these monkeys, and thanks them for not being like their insane counterparts.


I visited a (super-sekrit) jungle awhile back in an effort to learn more about the behavior, beliefs, and culture there. Actually, it was mostly just to observe the resident monkey culture. My findings were very interesting.

The first thing I noticed is that while the majority of the jungle creatures took their young to the appropriate, licensed, animal-medical professional when they fell ill, the monkeys did not. Anacondas, parrots, and leopards (among others) seemed to rely upon Animal-Pedatricians and their extremely effective medications while monkeys either visited the local whole foods tree or the witch doctor.

The witch doctor, of course, was an elderly pink elephant who was experienced in the use of herbs, detoxifying foot baths, and other homeopathic remedies but who had never undergone any formal medical training. He had, however, attended the local community college and gained a degree in Elephant Massage and aromatherapy. He adamantly believed that the "real" doctors were evil, and only in it for the money. He often discussed this at great lengths with his monkey customers, who heartily agreed and spread the word. It did not take long until most of the monkey population had decided that Dr. Pink Elephant was the only safe practitioner to take their children to and that the Toucan Pharmaceutical companies and doctors of all specialties were simply selling dangerous poisons to their patients to make a quick buck. Some monkeys would go so far as to claim that the pharmaceutical companies were intentionally selling bad Goatberry Juice in their vaccines against the Duck Flu, just to kill innocent children and make millions. As a result, the Witch Doctor became filthy rich. Insurance policies did not cover his treatment, and they were not cheap, so he was racking in the bucks.

Though the other jungle animals tried in vain to explain the many reasons these theories were not logical, the monkeys could not be persuaded otherwise. They did not understand that many of the Animal-Pediatrician's patients were on Jungle Medicaid, and that Jungle Medicaid only pays a very small portion of the normal charge for any procedure, vaccinations included. Nor did they understand that most of the Animal-Pediatricians loved children, and would never think of harming one.

The jungle animals did their best to avoid the preaching monkeys, and continued to take their children to the doctor when they were sick. Sometimes a jungle animal child would die of a serious illness, and sometimes they did have reactions to their vaccines that make them sick. The monkeys jumped on these cases with excitement and actual joy, because in their minds, it proved their point.

One little zebra had her MMR shot, and reacted with a high fever and rash that lasted for 8 days. She had to sleep in the hospital tree and have medication. Her very distraught mother sat with her, and blogged when she was asleep. The next day, the zebra mother got an email from a friend that her zebra baby's illness was being discussed on a monkey autism blog full of monkey zealots. Indeed it was true, and though the baby zebra did not have autism, her brother did. The monkeys discussed the baby zebra's hospitalization after her shot with great glee, and very little respect. They discussed the mother zebra's parenting, and concluded that she was a terrible parent for vaccinating her children and that the little zebra was sure to get autism soon. Thankfully, upon followup with the zebra family, the little one had gotten well, and a year later, had not developed autism at all. The only lasting effect of the ordeal on the family was the memory of the offhand way the baby zebras sickness had been discussed and the blame placed upon the mother zebra. The mother zebra had had her first taste of autism monkey zealots, and did not like it. The zebra mother did, however, acknowledge that vaccine reactions happen, entirely unrelated to autism.

The mother zebra continued to vaccinate her little ones, and when they were sick she gave them medication from the Animal-Pediatrician. While her children recovered quickly from their ills, she observed other monkey children dying from the very same diseases. Monkeypox, the Munks, The Monkeasles. Diseases which had been nearly eradicated by vaccination were coming back to the jungle because the monkeys refused to vaccinate. Luckily for the other jungle animals, the Monkeys were the minority, and most of the jungle babies were properly vaccinated, and the illness were kept mostly in check.

The zebra mother spent a lot of time online, reading autism blogs and about how different parents helped their autistic baby animals. Some accepted their autism as part of them and praised it as a gift from the heavens. Some ignored it, preferring to focus on the child, not the disease. Some became martyrs for their children, giving up everything they loved about life and making autism their whole world. Then she found a monkey blog, and was horrified at what she read.

The monkey blogger discussed his child in a cold, cruel manner. Rather than talking about the child's accomplishments, he focused on his faults. He commented on how his child "smeared shit" all over the place, and used similar crude and disrespectful language as he described his baby monkey. The zebra mother was shocked that a parent could feel this way, and write about it so negatively on the Junglenet. True, sometimes the zebra herself complained about things, and she readily admitted that autism isn't always a lot of fun, but she could not imagine saying such things about her own little zebra foal. She did not consider him a burden, someone who "shit on things" or "acted like an animal. She had adopted a different sort of mind set. She had embraced another bloggers motto- "We're here, we're quirky, get used to it." And while the zebra agreed that everyone had the right to feel any way they liked about autism and their child, she found it very sad to see such negatively and disdain from a parent about his cub.


I'll share most of my observations another day, this is plenty for now! I will say, however, that this blogger will continue to vaccinate and will continue to urge parents of newly diagnosed children to run, not walk, away from the "monkey" parents who might attack them in their fragile, post diagnosis state of mind.


The next chapter of this story?


JENNY MCGIRAFFE TELLS MOMMA ZEBRA HER LITTLE ZEBRA CAN BE CURED OF HIS AUTISM WITH BANARIFFIC DETOXIFYING BANANA FOOT BATHS AND BANANA TABLETS

5 comments:

millermadhouse said...

Amber, ignore the monkeys. Some monkeys just don't want to accept that the world works in mysterious ways and unfortunately they were dealt a different hand than other monkeys. Everyone is different. They just need to accept that. If immunisations causes Autism don't you think nearly everyone would have it. You've been blessed with a child who sees the world in a different light.

Casdok said...

Very good!

Amber DBTD said...

Thanks Cas <3

Miller- I am blessed to be Jaymes' mom! I feel like all the hard stuff, though it sucks at the time, is worthwhile because it develops me as a person. Good life experience.

Adelaide Dupont said...

What a parody!

The late Hannah Modra wrote The Monkey Story, which in part tells about her brother Luke.

Monkey 127

And monkeys have been implicated in causing many other conditions, mainly HIV/AIDS. You should have seen the hysteria in class when I pointed out that fact.

Kelley said...

well done babe.

Stupid monkeys.

(and I have written some stuff, buried deep in my archives, that I am sure would have set the crazy monkeys on my back too)

MWAH

(took me so long to comment cause I couldn't find my google login details, dammit!)