Don't throw the hammer!

I've been really failing at blogging, so much going on. Between my horse-watching for unusual behavior, trying to get set up for school and Jaymes' issues... Life's been interesting.

I'd been set up for school, financial aid and all, and was supposed to start in the summer. However, when i get to registration, early in the morning on the FIRST day of EARLY registration, all the classes were full. What a waste of time. I ended up doing a new FAFSA for the fall term, and should actually be getting more financial aid than I would have otherwise, so I guess it works out. Assuming I can get classes then. Very frustrating.

Jaymes... He'd been doing really well. No complaints. He'd been talking more, understanding directions better, eating well, sleeping well. I was really pleased with him. The meds were settled, he was doing pretty well on them. He is on Clonidine, .25 ml 4 times a day and Risperdal, .25 ml twice a day.

A couple weeks ago, he started to antagonize Sierra a bit more than usual. Poking her, touching her to set her off. She's a whiny little drama queen lately, so the tiniest touch would set her wailing and screaming, and is amused the heck out of my little muffinhead. That was annoying, but it wasn't hurting anything, so we tried to get him to stop, and get her to suck it up and stop flipping out over every little thing.

No luck. She still shrieks in agony over everything, and he still does things to her. It's gotten worse and worse, the most notable incident involving a heavy hammer being chucked across the yard at her. Thankfully it missed both Sierra and myself, or we'd have been at the ER, and like getting another visit from our friendly family CPS worker, whose visits put me into a vomit inducing panic despite knowing we are NOT abusing or neglecting our children.

I don't know why he's doing it, I don't know how to make him stop. I feel like I'm failing completely, that I'm failing Jaymes in letting him grow up to possibly become the next Skye Walker, and Sierra to not be able to keep her safe from his attacks.

He kicks, slaps, punches, slams her into walls. He throws her off the slide, knocks her off the swing, pulls her hair. He spits on her, and pushes her into the mud. He laughs hysterically while doing these things, enjoying her screams and cries. He waits until my back is turned, or I'm in the bathroom, or across the yard. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he lacks the empathy to understand why. He cannot make the connection that he is HURTING Sierra, both physically and emotionally, he just thinks this is a funny game that is naughty- naughty like stealing cookies from the cupboard and hiding them in a walmart bag in his room.

When I pick Sierra up to protect her, he punches me and tried to pinch and claw at her legs or whatever of her he can reach. Eventually he stops, but only until the next time she's nearby or I'm distracted. I can't keep up with him, and the only way to keep Si-Si safe is to have her with me at all times.

I've tried time out. He goes hysterical, screaming and hurting himself, then escapes the time out chair and takes off giggling. He learns nothing from it, no matter how many times I put him back. I've tried smacking his butt. He laughs. I've tried taking things like his blankie until he stops. As soon as he gets it back, he attacks again. I've tried yelling, distracting him, paying attention to just him. I'm at a loss.

He's doing it at school too, apparently. It gets worse by the day, and I'm very very scared for his future. I cannot have Jaymes beating his sister up now, or in ten years. I cannot have a 15 year old who beats the living hell out of all of us. I don't want to be another Trudy Steuernagel.

I know it's terrible to say. I know I'm not supposed to think this way, but I really can't help it. It seems everytime Jaymes improves one behavior, ten more take it's place. Very few people take things like this seriously, I suspect they look at his adorable little smile and don't believe me. His teachers seem to brush it off as not a huge deal, most of his therapists, pretty much everyone but the psych, who wants to put him on MORE meds.

I don't think the solution is to drug him up even more. I don't want a zombie for a son. But I also don't want a punching bag for a daughter, she will not grow up in fear of her brother. I'm stuck. Do I continue to medicate Jaymes to control his behavior?

And this is where I begin to rant aobut the piss poor system this country has for dealing with autistic children. Waiting years for CAP/Medwaiver is RIDICULOUS. If Jaymes could have more intense intervention NOW, he wouldn't need half as much down the road. If we could nip this in the bud NOW, we wouldn't have to fear for our future. How stupid is it to wait, let kids go without, then eventually have to institutionalize them?

It infuriates me. I wish I were rich. Jaymes would have an intensive therapy program, he would have behavioral specialists to teach us all how to manage his issues. He would have everything he needs, and we'd all feel safer. But because he is Medicaid, no one will touch him from the behavioral side of things. I met a woman from the local autistic children's school, who told me that even if we couldn't afford school (more than we make in a year), their behavioral class series (6 wks) was "only a thousand."

What a fucked up country we live in, if kids who clearly need more cannot get it. You'd have to be a moron to think an "inclusive" preK classroom, a speech therapy session, an OT session, and a PT session per week are enough. It's not enough, and it's unfair. We, our government, everyone is failing these kids.

I don't even know what to say at this point without my post degenerating into a mess of expletives, so I think I'll just stop before I drive off all my loyal readers.

Sorry for the downer post, I'm just in a fuckitall kinda mood at the moment.

On a happier note... Jaymes.. I love ya buddy, no matter what you do.