Chancie...

This morning my beloved old Sweaterdog, Chance, passed away. I took her to the vet and he agreed that at this point euthanasia was the kindest option for Chancie. I paid extra for sedation prior to the injection, so she could fall asleep and pass in her peaceful sleep.

She fell asleep in my arms, her little faced squished under my chin. It took about ten minutes. She was calm and comfortable, wrapped in her blanket, snuggling with me. When she was asleep, the vet gave her the euthanasia, and she was gone within a few seconds. There was no pain, no twitching, none of the awful things I have seen dogs do as they die... Only peaceful rest.

I have never had to put a dog of mine to sleep. It was horrific, and I did not even realize how truly devastated I was until afterward. All I can think of, all I can see in my mind, is her sweet, trusting eyes... She trusted me... And I basically killed her. I did it for good reasons,but I caused her death, regardless.

No, she had no hope of being pain free, and she would not have gotten any younger... But the thought that I was the one holding her as she died horrifies me.

I drove home with my hand on her still warm body... I scratched her ears and cried, and told her how sorry I was. I carried her out of the car, and Jason said his goodbyes...

I can't think about when we put her in the hole in the cold ground, or when we covered her over with rocks so nothing will dig her up. Every time I walk past her grave, my throat closes up and I want to curl up in a ball with her down there.

I just want to see her sweet little curled up self asleep on one of the couches, snoring. The living room looks desolate and empty without her. Her presence filled our home, now it's empty and lonely.

I want to feel good about ending her pain... I just can't.